A Letter To The Self-Described "People Pleasers" and "Empaths" About Sex and Pleasure.
A "people-pleaser" is defined as "a person who constantly puts the needs, wants, and opinions of others above their own, usually at the expense of their own well-being and happiness". Folks who identify as people pleasers might struggle with the ability to say "no", conflict avoidance, and relying on the validation of others instead of their own internal compass.
An "empath" is a person who experiences other people's emotions, energy, or physical pain deeply as if they were their own. These folks tend to absorb the energy of others- which can cause exhaustion and overstimulation at times.
I want you to know, I see you. And I see how these parts of you can shape your sex life and relationships.
For a lot of folks who share these parts, you might have learned somewhere along the way that being aware of what other people are feeling or needing can protect you in many situations. Or maybe you learned centering other folks' experiences and ignoring your own, could keep you safe from feelings of rejection, loneliness, isolation, or being invalidated.
And so, its very possible that these exact strategies you have used to stay safe your whole life, show up in your relationship to pleasure and sex. This could look like
Staying focused on your partner's pleasure instead of your own
Not knowing what brings you pleasure, or having trouble "tuning in" to your body
Having difficulty communicating what you want or feel
Feeling overhwhelmed or overstimulated by your partner's emotions about sex (for example, wanting to protect them from feeling rejected)
Noticing that the idea of attention on you feels terrifying
I have so much compassion for these parts of you that have protected you from pain. I understand that they have likely played a vital role in your emotional (and maybe even physical) safety. AND I know that you deserve pleasure and to feel present in your own experience of sexuality.
Being focused on the needs of others is a survival technique. Therapy is not a space we ask you to get rid of that part of yourself. However, therapy IS a space that we want to get to know that part of you and how it shows up in your life.
I would love to walk alongside you in this exploration!
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