What is the "urge to merge"? How can it affect your sex life?

Have you ever felt like you and your partner shared the same brain?

Have you ever felt like you could predict what your partner is going to say, how they will feel in certain situations, or even what they are thinking?

Do you feel like you take on your partner’s emotions? (for example, if they are in a bad mood, you are in a bad mood.)

And most importantly, do you ever feel like you lose your sense of self (your awareness of your own emotions, desires, wants) because you are so focused on your partner?

Some couples therapists or sex therapists might refer to this as “emotional fusion”. How can emotional fusion affect your sex life? Emotional fusion is the inability to tell where your feelings end and another person's begin. You might sacrifice your individual feelings, ideas, perspectives, to protect another person.

This does not just happen in romantic partnerships- it happens in families or other relationship systems as well. Actually, if you are someone who tends to fall into patterns around fusion with your partner, you likely learned this as a protective strategy in your family (or childhood relationships).

Why do we experience emotional fusion in relationships? Well, for several reasons! For many of us (especially folks socialized as women), pushing away our emotions, opinions, and desires and prioritizing someone else’s emotions, opinions, and desires is a way to stay safe. This can make folks feel safe from being abandoned, dismissed, or unheard, and in some situations it can even feel like it protects folks from physical harm.

So what does this have to do with your sex life?

Honestly, a lot.

Over the years, I have seen folks who focus on what their partner wants, feels, desires- but have trouble focusing on their own wants and desires.

Or who see their partner as the “problem”, because their partner cannot read their mind around sex.

Or who have urgency around “fixing” sex, so that their partner is satisfied (not for their own satisfaction.)

This is the “urge to merge”, or the fantasy of sharing one same emotional brain. The truth is, you and your partner are different people, with different feelings, fears, wounds, and desires. And that is what makes a relationship beautiful.

Many of us have trouble tolerating difference. Sometimes, there is too much difference and it really just does not work. But a lot of the time, we can find beauty and acceptance around our differences in relationships. It really is incredible that you can know someone for years and years, and still not know what they are thinking or wanting in the exact moment because their internal world is so vast. Sure, you probably have a good guess if you are pretty connected but there is always room for more curiosity.

All this to say- attunement, emotional closeness, and communication are incredibly important when it comes to relational sex and intimacy. AND there is also a great deal of value in exploration of your individual sexual self. So its worth asking yourself honestly, how much do you know about your individual sexual self?