You and your partner have different levels of sexual desire? Here is why I am not shocked.

What was the first time you saw sex depicted in a long term relationship?

Was it in a movie? A TV show? Was it between your parents, or grandparents?

Its likely somewhere along the way, you picked up a message that sex should be natural. A narrative that, “sex is simple if you are in the right relationship”. And so, maybe you adopted beliefs around sex that it should be “easy”.

This is a common narrative about sex that can be harmful for several reasons.

1. When desire discrepancy (when one partner wants to have sex more than the other) shows up in a relationship, we might begin to label ourselves or our relationship as “broken” or “damaged” in some way. The feeling that there is something wrong with us or in our relationship can then cause more distress, widening the gap between partners.

2. The idea that “sex is simple in the right relationship” might cause folks to brush the topic under the rug. If we fear our relationship is in trouble if sex is not easy, then we are less likely to open honest conversations with our partner/s.

   
   

Desire discrepancy in long term relationships is probably more common than you realize. Think about it- if you have been with a partner for 10+ years, what are the odds that you have the exact same feelings about sex as your partner over that whole period? When you have been with someone for a long period, you go can through all kinds of life transitions, body changes, medication shifts, emotional connection and disconnection. There are so many factors that impact sex, so of course 2 people are going to respond differently to those factors. Tolerating and trying to understand our differences is vital to exploring desire discrepancy.

That being said, I do not want to undermine the distress that can come from desire discrepancy. I know how hard it can be for both partners in this dynamic. Especially when a partnership becomes completely void of sexual intimacy- it can feel terrifying. At the same time, I want to normalize that this happens too. I want to encourage folks to have compassion for themselves and their partners if desire discrepancy comes up.

Self-compassion and compassion towards your partner is an important piece of being able to open up conversations about desire discrepancy. We have to believe that we are not “broken”, and instead that there are likely several complex stories happening beneath the surface. We need a shame-free space to explore those stories with another, and that can feel impossible if we are labeling ourselves as “defective”.

If your next question is “How do I even begin to open these conversations up?” or “I mentally know I am not broken, but I cannot seem to get out of that headspace” or even “AHHH I am freaking out, what do i do????”, it might be time to talk to a trained therapist.

I know desire discrepancy can feel isolating, exhausting, or even confusing. There is absolutely hope for this VERY common relational challenge.