Do you feel "stuck in your head" during sex? Here is how sex therapy can help.

Do you ever feel like when you are having sex you are stuck in "thinking" but not really "feeling"? Do you feel like you have trouble staying present in the experience? You might have trouble feeling embodied in the sensations or connection.

This is extremely common, especially for folks socialized as women.

Spectatoring is when an individual observes or monitors themselves or their partner from a detached perspective during a sexual encounter, rather than being fully immersed in the moment.

This “monitoring” part of your mind usually serves as a form of perceived protection. It could feel like the monitoring is protecting us from being too vulnerable, and getting hurt in some way. The “monitoring” may feel like it’s looking for our perceived flaws and protecting us from our partner seeing those flaws. The “monitoring” may feel like it’s protecting us by just listening in case something happens outside the bedroom, like a pet scratching at the door.

So what do we do?

We find out what your mind is trying to protect you from. We find ways to feel safe and embodied in our experiences with our partners. We try to move out of judgment and into self compassion. This is where the help of a sex therapist can come in.

I first read about Spectatoring in the book “better sex through mindfulness” by Lori Brotto. This book is a wonderful resource if you want to learn more!